I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
