I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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