gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
