she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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