I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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