Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
