Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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