There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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