I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I party with great urgency now.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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