They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
