Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
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