I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
