his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
