Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
