Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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