I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize