i wish there were pregnant emoticons
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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