I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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