If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
