Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
