every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize