you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
