if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize