Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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