someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I pour the whiskey from now on
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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