My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Randomize
