You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
