New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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