She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
