i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
