i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
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