so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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