hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
