well I can't set my house on fire every night
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
