there's paper in my vomit.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
