I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
