At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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