my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
