sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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