I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
