cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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