then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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