i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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