Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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