Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
