i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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