I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
