does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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