I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
