I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
