I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
