We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
