Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
