Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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