Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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