i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
