I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
