All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
im about as happy as oj after his trial
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
