Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
