mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
